3 Days Left...

I'm trying to spend my last few days taking it easy, and of course getting in all my favorite foods  before I can't have them for a while. Tonight was sushi. Last night was paella--and very possibly my last time cooking for a few months. Tomorrow, it's off to the beach one last time, and then on Tuesday... Brazilian Steakhouse for the last meal.

People keep asking me if I'm nervous. My honest answer is... no, I'm not. At least, not about the procedure itself. The only thing that makes me nervous is one simple question: what if it doesn't work? What if I go through all this, and it's still not enough? I know the odds are strongly in favor of it working, but there's always that chance. Realistically, with an 18mm lower jaw advancement (nearly 3/4"!) there's very little chance it wouldn't have a significant effect. My goal is, of course, to get rid of that bloody mask, and be able to sleep through the night again. Will I get there? Even being able to sleep on my side unassisted again would be a huge improvement for me. Not be dependent on the CPAP.

This last Thursday kind of drove it home for me. We had a bad line of storms that came through with 50-60mph winds and knocked power out in my complex for four hours. That's not good for a CPAP user. I can't sleep without mine--not without sitting up, anyway (which presents its own problems), and I was wondering what I was going to do if the power didn't come back on in time. Fortunately it did, but... that's the danger of the thing. Sleep apnea can kill. My nightmare scenario has been, I take one of my sleeping pills, the power goes out, and drugged, I can't wake up enough to breathe. Realistic? Maybe not. But it's killing me slowly anyway through two to three hours or more a night of sleep deprivation.

THAT is ultimately why I'm not nervous about the surgery. I want this. I chose this over lesser options based on its success rate and relative certainty that more wouldn't be needed. I'm trying to help myself, and if I have to go through a form of purgatory in order reach the proverbial paradise of getting enough rest again, then so be it. It's a price I'll pay in full.

The actual financial price, however... that's something I'll discuss in my next entry.