Ten days...

Hard to believe it's been ten days since surgery. I've more or less settled into a routine now, though I'm not enjoying all of it.

In truth, the food situation is starting to get to me. Eating and cooking was a very big thing in my life beforehand, and it's very difficult to not be able to eat normally for fourteen weeks or more... doubly so to be allowed very little but liquids or purees.



Doctor Jelic warned me beforehand that there's often a feeling of regret when one wakes up from surgery like this that goes something like, "I was fine yesterday, and now I'm like this and will be for many weeks to come. What was I thinking?" That never actually happened with me, because I was so eager to have the apnea ended. I said before that I could endure the long recovery as long as it was cured. The surgery seems to have worked; I can now sleep more or less normally (except for the continuing TMJ pain), and yet...

I fear the current way I feel has made a bit of a liar out of me. I am starting to get a bit depressed, seeing how limited my diet is, feeling my wired-shut jaw and knowing how much longer I have to go before I can really eat anything again. I pass by the McDonalds next door and smell the smells coming off it, or see a commercial on TV, and I get... well... hungry. It's going to be a very long time before I can enjoy a cheeseburger again, unfortunately. I just have to keep telling myself that day will come and I have to be patient, look at the blank spot on the nightstand where my CPAP used to sit and remind myself of *why* I did this.

Still... it's going to be a long seven--now five and a half--weeks to get to the soft food stage, when my rubber bands can come off during the day and I can finally start eating stuff that's halfway real again. Until then... pureed soup and fruits, protein shake mixes, and I got a can of Spaghetti-Os tonight to see how good it would be pureed. Had to dilute it in beef broth to get it liquid enough, but it was okay... more or less.

I don't know. Maybe the post-operative depression is only hitting now. I got what I wanted, but that thrill is already passed and now I have to pay the piper for it in the form of a wired-shut jaw and weeks of liquid/puree diet. I should be very grateful, but now I'm impatient again, wanting to get through my recovery and out the other side of it as quickly as I can. The problem is, there's no rushing it. Bones--especially the bone grafts--have to heal. All I can do is X off the days as they pass and look forward to my next milestones. There's one next week when I can start taking off my rubber bands for ten minutes at night to clean my teeth and take my medications, and the big one at seven weeks when the rubber bands start coming off during the day and I'm allowed soft foods again. Scrambled eggs, pancakes, cottage cheese, mac & cheese... you have no idea what I'd give for those already. I swear I'll never take food or eating for granted again after this.

Daily update:

1. Right TMJ is still bothering me. Pain is low-level but it twinges and is noticeable when I'm trying to sleep. Resorted to the hydrocodone again last night. At least it works, and I got a lot of back-sleeping time in, CPAP-free.
2. My teeth are very temperature-sensitive right now, I've noticed. Can only take a few swallows of something hot or cold before they react. Possibly a function of all the metal in my mouth at the moment...
3. There's very little swelling remaining on the right side of my jaw at this point, but still considerable on the left, giving my face a slightly lopsided appearance.
4.  My chin has apparently entered the hypersensitive stage of nerve reactivation. There is a constant flow of hard-to-describe sensation out of the area, and to be honest it's not that pleasant. Kind of a cross between a cold sensation and electric current. Still feels puffy to the touch. I can move the skin and muscles in the area, incidentally, so that works, at least.